Bittersweet

Have you every heard of Susan Cain's book Bittersweet?  She is the same author who wrote the book Quiet (about being an Introvert) a few years ago. Bittersweet is all about the tendency that some have to experience the joy of the moment intermingled with sadness. She has a quiz (where I found out that I am nearly 100% Bittersweet) which is hilarious and helpful. In Buddhism they have a term called, "The genuine heart of sadness," which is the feeling that comes from living vulnerably, open to experiencing life as it is, aware of impermanence. 

I have been experiencing these a lot lately. The joy of being with family and at the same time so aware that we are all together right now and it is a gift that I will not always have. This year my boyfriend, David, and I bought a home together. I am genuinely struck and kind of heart-broken at how beautiful and blessed I feel all day long because of my life with him in our beautiful home. 

There is a poem by Naomi Nye called So Much Happiness  that I keep coming back to, "It is difficult to know what to do with so much happiness."  I have linked it and hope that you read it. In contemplative practice we are essentially practicing the many ways we can stay right here - not in the past of future and... essentially not DO. But ever a student, my mind DOES, and it IS hard to know what to do with so much happiness. 

I can tell you what I have been doing with it. I've been practicing feeling it. I have been questioning it. Honestly I feel a little guilty. How and why me? I wonder when it will end and then I feel sad about it. I wonder if I will just feel this happy until I die? Is that possible? Will I ever forget this feeling? How can I be feeling this alongside so many other painful things? 

It's funny how our minds want to have something to play with- whether painful or joyful. The mind just really wants to describe and DO something with everything. So, I keep practicing. 

I am taking this into the New Year as an active practice. Noticing and trying to BE in the noticing instead of DOing something about it. When I am distracting myself from something uncomfortable I notice I shop online, I freeze and stop moving my body as much, I eat the kinds of foods that make me want to keep eating them (carbs and sugar) which in turn make me feel sluggish and uncomfortable in my body.  These are things all done in response of something to try to numb or distract myself- and they don't really work for more than a few minutes. So, in my practice these are some of the sign posts I'm using as gauges for how I am really doing. 

Is there anything your mind is working on? Maybe something happy-making or sorrow-making. Something your mind just feels the need to DO something with? Do you have certain sign posts in your life of things that you DO when you aren't comfortable or avoiding things? 

Whatever you are intending for this year, whether it is leaving something, embracing something. questioning something, or grieving something or someone, I hope you will engage with it in active practice. I am here alongside you, cheering you on. I hope that we can do some of that in person. 

LoveLove, 
Christy

If you are interested in beginning a contemplative meditation practice, The Community Sitting Project begins on Jan 6th. We will sit for 10 minutes a day from 7-7:10am live-stream. I've created an online hub with videos and instructions on different ways to sit so you can be comfortable, practices to do before to release tension, breathing techniques, and more. It also has 4 months of previously recorded practices to continue on with after our 30 days together. The cost is $29 for the month, but there are sliding scale options (even free for those who need) and 25% of all proceeds are being donated to Roots & Wings, a local organization which provides, support and education to individuals who have aged out of the foster care system. You can read more about it and sign up here.