I’m not sure when I started praying for a sister. It was before my 4th birthday that my sister, April, was born and it feels like I prayed for her to come for a long time before that. She is the first thing that I remember praying for and my first answered prayer. She is the one I look to for everything. Before I make a decision about anything from clothes to my business, I ask her opinion. She not only knows me best, but she has an understanding of people and the world that I depend on to keep me on track. She is the only person I can always communicate with without ever having to talk.
Two months ago my sister had a beautiful daughter, Adelaide who is my light. Due to some complications, April had a challenging delivery and very difficult recovery, and there was a full week where we didn’t know if she would recover at all.
Being a natural worrier there have been many times when I’ve heard a siren or someone has told me about an accident and I’ve called my sister or my dad or whoever wasn’t nearby to check that they were okay, that it wasn’t them. There have been many, many times where I have feared something that never happened. Up until last month though, I have never actually been in a situation where my dearest person was in front of me, there was a chance that she might not make it and that I couldn’t do anything about it.
There is a terrible pain that comes with that kind of situation and also a strange quiet. There is only a quiet acceptance of truth there, only because Truth is not something that you can argue with. It is there whether it is what you would choose or not. If she did not live I would still have to continue life without her and so would everyone else.
I know I will never be ready for that moment. I will never be ready for that moment.
Our bodies will fail. It is the truth. We are alive and all living things have an expiration date.
Many times I have thought about this and wondered, “How can I ever appreciate one moment enough?” One of the reasons I love yoga so much is that it has the power to slow down our minds in time so we can truly experience a moment, a sensation, a cycle of breath, our own potential and unique challenges. Yoga gives us the experience of ourselves in our own lives. Far too much time goes by sometimes where I haven’t paid attention to the small things which in the end are really the big things.
When my body fails I want to know that I appreciated this life and the people I have been blessed to meet along the way; that I took advantage of the gifts I was given and challenged myself beyond what was comfortable. I want to know that I used the wisdom I’ve gained through the gift of information and the humility of my own experience. I want to know that I lived in alignment with what I believed to be in Truth and Love (to the best of my discernment). I want to know that I thought, spoke and acted from the overflow of my heart and that I used my body and life in service and love of others. I want to know that I told the truth, that I encouraged people to shine their light, and I was kind. I can’t think of anything else more important.